Numb
by LoverofDogs94
Summary: She was numb. Completely and utterly numb.


I don't own The Good Wife. I do own all my emotions after episode 5x15, and this is the result.

* * *

He was such a part of her. He had been there for her when she needed him. Yes, recently they had been at odds with each other, but it was getting better. It was. And now? Now he was gone. Forever. She had already lost him twice before. Once, at Georgetown, when they broke up and once when she left the firm. But he always came back. They always came back together. Always. But this time it is impossible. Because he is gone. Gone. And he will never come back.

And that would hurt, if she could feel anything at all. But she is numb. Doesn't feel the shower floor under her, doesn't feel the water has turned cold, doesn't feel the hot tears pouring down her face. Doesn't feel anything.

Two months later, and she has become an excellent actress. She has people believing she is doing just fine, when in reality she is falling to pieces. She still doesn't feel anything. She is still numb. And she can't make it stop. She can't sleep. All her dreams are about him. Eating is hard. She has no appetite. Sometimes, even just talking to someone on the phone is hard. She remembers that phone call. The one where Kalinda told her. The one that shattered her whole world. The one where she collapsed, and Eli was the one to quickly pull her to her feet and practically drag her out of the conference room. He pulled her to an empty hallway, and sat on the floor with her. Crying with her. He understood. He understood how much this was killing her. He took her to the hospital. And he held off the reporters. She owed a lot to that man. For understanding her need of privacy in this. For keeping Peter away while she went to him. People say it gets better after you lose someone. Liars. It doesn't get better, you just get better at acting like it is.

6 months later and things almost feel normal. Almost. Her firm is doing well. It is now Lockhart/Agos&Cavanaugh. She divorced Peter. They just couldn't make it work. She was almost happy. Sometimes. She still woke up crying, and would have moments when she thought she saw him in a crowd, but she smiled sometimes now. Not a full smile, but it was a start. She laughed for the first time since it happened.

It had been eight months. Diane, Cary, Kalinda, and herself were at the firm late. Cary made a joke and she laughed. And then guilt washed over her, and she started to cry. Diane walked over and pulled her into a hug. It's ok, she had whispered, I miss him too. But, he would want us to be happy. So, she decided that day she was going to try. Try to be happy again. But she still felt numb.

It had been over a year. Over a year since he died. She still cried, but it was less frequent now. She got a package in the mail. A note inside the package, and a book. All the note said was,

Alicia, I found this going through some of his old stuff, and I knew he would want you to have it. -Sarah

She looked at the book that was included, and felt the tears well up. Great Expectations. She had given him this book for his 22nd birthday. Inside the front cover was a small note she wrote all those years ago.

"Happy Birthday Will-soon-to-be-lawyer-Gardner! I know that wherever you end up, it will be Great! Never give up on your dreams. Love, Alicia"

She smiled at the memory, and couldn't believe he kept it all these years. Thumbing through the well read pages, she was surprised when an envelope fell out with her name on the the outside. opening it, she noticed it was dated about a week before he died.

"Alicia. I love you. I have ever since we first met, and I think I always will. I have tried to forget About you. But I can't. You will always be a part of me. You will always own my heart, no matter what happens. I know we always have bad timing. We will probably never have good timing. And you will probably never even see this letter. But I had to write it. I needed to say all this. Because even though our timing has been bad, The time we did spend together made me happier than anything else. And you use to tell me to never give up on my dreams. You are my dream, and I will wait for you. For as long as it takes. Forever if I have too. Because I will never love anyone the way I love you. -Will"

Sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor, sobbing. Wiping her eyes, she stood up. Walked out her front door, got in a cab and went to the cemetery. Found his headstone.

William Paul Gardner

Brother Friend, and Partner

Let there be sports and law courts in heaven.

She sat on the grass, and read, and reread his letter to the point where she had it memorized. "I love you, Will." as she said it, she felt a breeze blow on her face. She remembered something from her favorite movie. Love is like the wind, I can't see it but I can feel it. And she knew. She knew he would never truly be gone. Smiling through her tears, she stood to leave and felt a rain drop. She felt the numbness that had engulfed her for Ovet a year fade away. She knew she would always have a Will-sized hole in her heart, but she was going to be okay.

* * *

I know it was choppy. But I had to get it out.


End file.
